There are different ways to seek what some may describe as freedom, truth, meaning. Buddhism, Kabbalah, Magick, Neo-druidism, Sikhism, Islam, Hinduism, Judaism, Christianity, Santeria, Wicca, Paganism... are the names of a few of these ways. Some others find it in running or mountain climbing. Others find it in caring for the elderly or teaching children. Some may find it in psycho-therapy. Some, in philosophy. The paths are many. As one journeys along the path, they may know it is the right path. The sensation can be felt. Suddenly there are so many possibilities. The world is not closed off. Fear and insecurity lift away. One is no longer consumed with criticism and emotional imbalance. One is breaking through the wall. It is a process of breaking through the wall of one's own and another's past trauma. Trauma creates negative thought patterns. It's like a programmer of the computer called "the mind".
The ego is so demanding that when the mind tells it there is evidence of "success", one feels surrounded by love of themselves and that all is good in the world. Lovers feel this when they are in the honeymoon phase of their relationship, for example. Yet, when things go wrong or not as the mind would have wanted, the ego attempts to find a solution to make the pain go away. And this cycle goes on and on and on through a lifetime. One day, a path presents itself to find/promise/seduce a way out of the pattern of the mind's game.
- Music:Swans - Can't Find My Way Home
since it is tuesday... some sparks of tuesday wisdom. have i told you i am a tuesday child?
"As you grow, you learn more. If you stayed as ignorant as you were at twenty-two, you'd always be twenty-two. Aging is not just decay, you know. It's growth. It's more than the negative that you're going to die, it's the positive that you understand you're going to die, and that you live a better life because of it."
"Sometimes you cannot believe what you see, you have to believe what you feel. And if you are ever going to have other people trust you, you must feel that you can trust them, too - even when you’re in the dark. Even when you’re falling."
"The most important thing in life is to learn how to give out love, and to let it come in."
- Music:In Gowan Ring - A Poets Lyre
"Beautiful people do not just happen...The most beautiful people we have known are those who have known defeat, known suffering, known struggle, known loss, and have found their way out of the depths. These persons have an appreciation, a sensitivity, and an understanding of life that fills them with compassion, gentleness, and a deep loving concern...Beautiful people do not just happen..." ~ Elizabeth Kubler RossThe Kübler-Ross model
- The Five Stages of Grief
- Denial - The "This can't be real" stage.: "This is not happening to me. There must be a mistake."
- Anger - The "Why me?" stage.: "How dare you do this to me?!" (either referring to God, the deceased, or oneself)
- Bargaining - The "If I do this, you’ll do that" stage.: "Just let me live to see my son graduate."
- Depression</a> - The "Defeated" stage.: "I can't bear to face going through this, putting my family through this."
- Acceptance - The "This is going to happen" stage.: "I'm ready, I don't want to struggle anymore."
- Music:Cara Dillon - The Snows They Melt The Soonest
Sometimes I think we live through things only to be able to say that it happened. That it wasn't to someone else, it was to me. Sometimes we live to beat the odds. I'm not crazy even though they thought I was. I live in the same world as everyone else. I just saw more of it, as I'm sure you have. They'll find my body tomorrow. You can check it out if you don't believe me. I've seen life after my death, and I'm telling you this because it's the only way to help you and your daughter have a better life of your own. Jean, you're gonna pass out one day smoking a cigarette and burn to death. Your daughter grows up living the same life you're living right now. And she misses you so much. Sometimes life can only really begin with the knowledge of death. That it can all end, even when you least want it to. The important thing in life is to believe that while you're alive, it's never too late. I promise you, Jean, no matter how bad things look, they look better awake than they do asleep. When you die, there's only one thing you want to happen. You wanna come back.
from the jacket
- Music:Cara Dillon - Standing on the Shore
"We will have to repent in this generation not merely for the hateful words and actions of the bad people but for the appalling silence of the good people." ~ Martin Luther King Jr
- Music:Agalloch - Not Unlike the Waves
New Model Army
Today seems so special like a beginning or an end
And there's so many thousand people here
After all the grey days we're shining once again
And I wouldn't be anywhere else in the world
We never want to fight you, we only want to love
I wish it could always be like this
I wish I could always be in love
The world reflects the passion in your grey eyes
And I see them shine
You raise up your arms like you believe that you can fly
And I want you so much now
I never want to hurt you - I only want to love
I wish it could always be like this
I wish I could always be in love
- Music:Altera Forma - Encased [Single Version]
Today the news came - I AM GOING TO BE AN UNCLE!!!!!!!!!!
You can call me UNCLE!!! :) After next July! :)
Thanx God and please watch over this little soul!!!
And my bro is going to work in Russia, in Safonovo - it is some 200 km from Moscow. He is leaving after his birthday at the end of the month... His girlfriend will follow him in the spring.
- Music:Loreena McKennitt - Never-Ending Road (Amhrán Duit)
it is cold here, freezing cold. But tomorrow I am heading East to Varna on the Black Sea to see my friends from Lot Lorien.
They organize a little party celebrating the ending of the work on their new album - which will hopefully be released till the end of November. Some of the songs are already known from their concerts - all played together with the famous Bulgarian kaval-player Theodosi Spasov - and in the album they will have many guest-musicians from all over the world. This is the wonderful thing with internet - how it makes the world small and people from distant countries can add and help to one another's work.
So I am going tomorrow morning to spend the Saturday night with my friends there and on Sunday evening - be back here in Sofia. I want to go and see the sea too - but it is so very cold that maybe I won't take a walk around the beach.
Tomorrow is also a sad date - two years since Rob Heaton died. For all that are part of the New Model Army Family - this is a moment to think about him, and maybe listen to "Green and Grey"...R.I.P., Rob! :(
- Music:Dead Can Dance - Cantara
today I decided to cut off something from me... it is hard, it is black, it is missed, it tries to move me to the wrong direction, again to take me back to the emptiness. And trying to convince me that nothing makes sense... That is what one usually feels when he cuts something, makes his little great sacrifice for his wisdom.
I am a true natural born cynic - from my first sense, from my first thought, from my first desire... It is something that I am trying to heal myself from since little kid, and I am easily pushed to feel like that, when I have to sacrifice something. But I won't.
Maybe this is what they say is wisdom - to stay cynic to everything around. But I don't think that it is the case. It is just weakness and hiding weakness,
I cut my memories off in the morning. It is a place which I will try to avoid inside. I know how, I know where... it won't be problem.
And then in the afternoon something else happened. A colleague that left work 2 years ago, and with whom I felt like friend, today I found out that she talked and wrote some things, regarding me, showing her attitude of malice and almost hatred... only because of disappointment... And I thought a bit about it. That girl that was always smiling and always we had so good time working - and then - turns out that she was just hiding that, she not only dislikes me, but nearly hates me. Fuck that - such things had made me cynic from the very beginning.
But maybe what I think the world is, is actually something very different and much uglier and shitty... No, not the world, sorry - the people.
... but it always amazes me, when people talk behind someone's back or how hypocrite some people - mostly women - can be. And no, I am not fooling around with that - most of the men I know and I meet will directly say everything in your face, no bullshitting, no talking behind your back.
And I've seen women that are best friends together, to talk each behind the back of the other most disgusting offences. :(
From my point of view - this is so self-humiliating and so miserable, that I don't know why I write about this here. Maybe because such hidden little things, when come out after some time - are big monsters, coming to chase us and making us full of hatred and disappointment. Cause what you sow, is what you will harvest sooner or later.
- Music:The Cranberries - Animal Instict